Forgiveness. Now that’s a word that packs a lot of meaning.
How do you feel when you read that word? What does this word mean to you? In your life right now?

Do you think you have had your fill of Forgiveness, or would you like to dance with the idea, in your life, of others or of self, and possibly even FROM others… Forgiveness is a pretty spectacular word because is represents a pretty spectacular thing. WOW!

*This article is taken from the transcript to the Episode of the same name found on the Portals Podcast Youtube Channel, and on the Emergence Creative.Space community platform.

Welcome to Portal’s podcast, an extension of The Emergence CreativeSpace.

My name is Scott Love, and I’ll be your host on this journey into the fascinating and inspirational. Today, we explore the multifaceted power of letting go through the transformative act of forgiveness, including a crucial aspect often overlooked, self forgiveness.

First, what exactly is forgiveness? It’s often misunderstood. Forgiveness is not condoning harmful actions or pretending they didn’t happen. It’s not about excusing the offender or the offender’s behavior. As Desmond Tutu wisely said, Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done.

It means taking what happened and understanding that it cannot be changed, and trying to find a way to move forward. It’s about releasing ourselves from the grips of negativity. Forgiveness is about choosing freedom from the pain that binds us to the past. It’s about healing. Not forgetting. Forgiveness is the conscious decision to let go of the resentment towards someone or something who has wronged you, regardless of whether or not they deserve it.

It’s not forgetting, excusing, or condoning the act. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re weak, rather it’s an act of strength and courage. A common myth is that forgiving someone requires reconciliation. However, forgiveness is a personal journey that doesn’t always involve resolving the relationship. Why it matters.

Holding onto grudges can lead to emotional exhaustion and physical health issues. According to Dr. Everett Worthington, a leading forgiveness researcher, forgiveness improves mental health and reduces anxiety, depression, and anger. It can also restore a sense of control in situations where persons feel victimized, allowing them to reclaim their emotional well being and move forward.

Are you holding onto a pain from the past? Does the idea of forgiveness feel impossible? You’re not alone. Today we’re exploring the powerful concept called forgive and evolve. It’s not about pretending things didn’t happen, but about releasing ourselves from the grip of that negativity. We’ve all heard the saying, forgive and forget, but let’s be honest, forgetting is tough.

Some experiences are seared into our memory. Dwelling on negativity, however, only hurts us. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, now imagine the things that man went through, reminds us that even in the darkest times, we can find meaning. Imagine a heavy backpack filled with stones. Each one of these stones represent a hurt that you carry.

Whether you know it or not, we put more and more of these stones into our backpack and we never take them out. These stones may come from something our parents said to us when we were little kids, or something our bosses or coworkers said in passing. They can come from things that were said in the heat of the moment with someone close to us.

The point is, just about every day, our backpacks are growing heavier and heavier. Wouldn’t you rather set that backpack down and walk a little lighter? Finding forgiveness is unloading those stones one by one. It’s a journey of healing. Not erasing the past. Okay, all this sounds great, right? But where do we start?

Wanna try something really unique? Let’s explore the Japanese practice of Nakan. This structured introspection fosters a sense of gratitude for others contributions and recognitions of one’s impact on their lives, and understanding of personal responsibility. Nikon encourages a shift from focusing on grievances to appreciating the interdependent nature of human relationships.

Practicing Nikon often leads to profound emotional insights and personal growth. It provides a framework for cultivating empathy, improving relationships, and finding peace with past experiences. The practice can be done informally in daily life or as part of a guided retreat, offering a quiet space for deep reflection.

Nikon helps individuals transcend blame and resentment, nurturing a balanced perspective that promotes forgiveness, self awareness, and inner harmony. Again, it involves asking yourself three powerful questions. What did I receive from this person? What did I give this person? And what troubles did I cause them?

By reflecting on these questions, you might be surprised by the gratitude and understanding that emerges. So let’s just take a second to try that. Let’s think of somebody that has harmed us. And let’s ask ourselves these questions. What did I receive from this person? Whether that’s good or bad. What did I give to this person?

And what troubles did I cause them? Here’s a quote that I really like. Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. It doesn’t make you weak, it sets you free. That’s by psychologist Dr. Laurel Markham. Dr. Markham shares real life examples of clients who found peace through forgiveness, explaining how the process can vary from person to person, but always leads to inner strength and healing.

Reflect on a moment when you chose to forgive. What did you gain from that experience, and how did that impact your emotional state? The Science of Forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t just feel good, it’s good for your health too. Let’s explore the science behind this. Scientists are now confirming what spiritual traditions have long understood.

Forgiveness has powerful effects on our minds and body. A meta analysis published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology demonstrated that forgiveness interventions significantly reduce depression, anxiety, and anger. This isn’t just a theory, it’s backed by research. Studies by Dr. Redford Williams at Duke University have shown a link between hostility and the increase of heart disease.

As Hannah Moore wisely puts it, forgiveness is the economy of the heart. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, and the waste of spirits. Forgiveness isn’t just good for the soul, it’s good for your physical health. Now here’s how that works. It’s the psychological benefit. Studies show that forgiveness reduces cortisol levels, which is the body’s primary stress hormone.

Research from the Mayo Clinic has also linked forgiveness with stronger immune function and better sleep. Chronic resentment, on the other hand, can increase the risk of diseases related to stress, such as hypertension and heart disease. So that old saying about how anger and resentment causes cancer?

Well, it seems there may be some truth to that. Forgiveness is not just a moral and spiritual idea, it’s a tool for mental health. By practicing forgiveness, we not only free ourselves emotionally, but also improve our cardiovascular health. Studies even show a connection between better immune function, lower blood pressure, and improved sleep patterns.

When we forgive, our bodies respond positively. Letting go of resentment isn’t just good for your soul, it’s good medicine for your body. Like we covered, forgiveness isn’t about condoning or forgetting. It’s about releasing the grip of negative emotions that tether us to pain. Choosing forgiveness is an act of courage and self empowerment.

Forgiveness has deep roots in many of the world’s spiritual traditions. This can be seen in the oral traditions and the written words of many of the world’s belief systems. There are countless examples, but I only have enough time to touch on a few. So I’m going to give you one from three of the world’s most practiced.

Christianity, Islam, and Buddhism. Although I have heard that Buddhism isn’t really a religion, But the point remains. It’s the cornerstone of Christianity. Here’s a verse from the Bible. Be kind and compassionate to one another. Forgive each other, just as Christ God forgave you. Here, divine forgiveness serves as a model for how we might forgive others.

In Islam, a prominent quote about forgiveness is from the Quran. Let evil be rewarded with evil. Amen. But whoever forgives and seeks reconciliation, their reward is with Allah. This verse emphasizes the virtue of forgiveness and how Allah will reward those who choose forgiving others, even when wronged.

From a Buddhist perspective, forgiveness is essential to breaking free from the cycle of suffering. The Dalai Lama puts it this way. Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered to forgive the one who inflicted it. Yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.

These teachings, whether rooted in scripture or philosophy, remind us that forgiveness is a universal principle, a tool to transcend pain and find peace. And here’s a little bit more on forgiveness as being important in having culturally significant role in society. South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Convention emphasized restorative justice, where victims and predators came together to acknowledge

the harm and seek healing.

This process has inspired similar initiatives worldwide. And as Mahatma Gandhi reminds us, the weak cannot forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Everything we have touched upon up to this point has been about forgiving others. We can take a look at their upbringing and see how the way they were raised may influence their values.

Or we can see where maybe addiction or mental health issues may have played a role in how they acted. For me, forgiveness comes down to one word, insane. Yeah, you heard that right, insane. It may not mean what you think it means. To get to what it really means, we need to take a closer look at the word itself.

Once we do that, it’s like a whole new reality opens up. The root of the word is “Sanus”, which is Latin, and translates to whole, as in complete, together, one. And then we took a look at the other word in it, which is “‘In”, which translates into no, or not.

So, put the two together, you can see that insane literally means – not whole.

Now, when we think of the often insane things that people have done to us in the past, when we think of them as not being whole, that something is missing, then we can have a little bit more empathy for them. Maybe we ask ourselves, what is missing from this person? And the answer that comes to mind are usually reflections in their actions against us.

Are they cruel? Then, most likely, they lacked love and empathy when they were growing up. Are they manipulative? Well then they most likely grew up in a situation or were exposed to a situation where there wasn’t a lot of trust.

The list of things people can be missing is as long as there are human experiences to have, and while we may not know what it is that took that chunk out of their wholeness, we know that they’re not whole.

Now for me, this makes it a lot easier to forgive them. But what if the other person is not the one who needs to be forgiven. What if the main antagonist in the story of our life is us, ourselves?

The crucial rule of self forgiveness

Carrying on from earlier with that bit about people not being whole Why is it so hard to extend that same mindset to ourselves?

I mean we all make mistakes, right? We know this, but there is something inside of ourselves that believes somehow we should be above the fray, that we should be better than, or maybe that we should know better. Who knows the deeper reasons we say and do the things that we do? That would require deeper work in ourselves.

Something along the lines of what we covered in the episode, A Crash Course in Emotional Intelligence and the Unstuck Yourself series.

Why is forgiving ourselves harder than forgiving others? Well, let’s take a closer look into this and see what we find.

Often, we replay the past mistakes burdened by guilt and shame. We know our darkest secrets, and we know the thoughts and the things that go on in our own minds. So, in some ways, we feel that we are somehow more guilty than our transgressors. The thing is, everybody thinks crazy shit. It’s natural. And our brains are free to go all over the place.

And they do! And it’s also part of what helped us survive as a species. Our brains are wired to think the worst possible things so that we can be prepared for it whenever it comes. In today’s world, the media we consume plants all kinds of things into our minds. On a side note here, could this be why they call television and radio shows programs?

And while we are at it, why is the scheduling of this media is called programming? Just something to think about. At any rate, back to self forgiveness.

Take it easy on yourself.

You didn’t know what you didn’t know, and now that you know it, you don’t have to do it again.

Let’s take another look at that insane word, and break it down, and then ask ourselves, How was I not whole during that time? What was I missing? How do I become someone who doesn’t do that again?

Simply asking ourselves these questions does wonders. We immediately know in our hearts that we are not the same people who made those choices, and that we are working towards being a better person. We can feel good about that, and we can use that good feeling as a beginning for forgiving ourselves.

As Publius Syrus wisely said, “How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself?”

Now good ol’ Publius probably knew a little bit about forgiveness because he was a slave, from Syria, who was taken to Italy and after some time he earned his freedom (what does that even mean, really?) and educated by his former master. He then went on to write some amazing works and is noted as one of the primary thinkers of the era.

Research by Kristen Neff on self compassion shows that guilt and shame are often blocks to self forgiveness. These feelings are rooted in our inner critic, and can amplify mistakes and create a cycle of self blame. People often hold themselves to a higher standard than others, making self forgiveness feel like admitting failure rather than embracing growth.

Dr. Neff’s work on self compassion offers a powerful antidote. Self forgiveness, she emphasizes, is the key. involves recognizing our shared humanity, accepting our imperfection, and offering ourselves kindness and understanding. It’s not about excusing our actions, but acknowledging our humanity.

Forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. It’s about growth, letting go, and moving forward with a lighter heart. Take the first steps today. You deserve to evolve beyond your heart.

But how do we practice self forgiveness? You Self forgiveness starts in our minds and then spreads into our hearts. We begin by saying to ourselves that we want to be forgiven. Without a desire, nothing engages.

Sometimes the simple act of asking opens up something inside of ourselves and makes room for what’s next, which is acceptance. It is said that acceptance is the key to serenity. What does this mean to you?

Now there are several strategies that you can use to improve your self forgiveness, such as journaling can help identify and confront negative self talk. When was the last time you kept a journal and wrote your thoughts and feeling down in it? If you do this already, good for you. Consider opening up to writing in a different voice, or try writing questions out then answering them.

My journal is hardly decipherable. It’s a hodge-podge of notes, songs and poetry, quotes and sayings… it’s a little bit of my life written down in many different languages. Not literally, but there is math, and science, and fantasy, and tragedies, comedies too!

Self compassion meditations encourage individuals to treat themselves with the same kindness that they would a friend.
How this works is, or at least how I do it:

I’ll let my mind flow freely while in meditation. I’ll take a look at anything that comes, without attachment, and if it’s something or someone causes my energy to shift a bit, I’ll tell myself thank you for showing me that, accept it for whatever it is, then let it go. Continuing on in that free flow of thoughts. If it comes back or doesn’t want to leave I’ll allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling in that moment, but remind myself this doesn’t exist anymore. That I am here, now, and the person back then did whatever they did, and this person here doesn’t own it.

Cognitive behavior therapy, or CBT techniques, can help reframe negative beliefs and foster a more forgiving mindset. This is definitely worth looking into. And it’s a pretty simple practice.

In this case you go over in your mind how you might have handled any situation your feel you want to experience forgiveness in, for self or others, and imagine doing what you feel could have been done differently. Then feel good that you did that practice. Affirm that wouldn’t happen now. Do this as often as the situation comes into your mind.

What is happening here is that you are actually reprogramming your mind. Becoming someone who simply isn’t that person anymore.

Take solace in this.

But you do have to continuously practice it. And you may have to repeat the process several times for several situations. Don’t stop. It’s good and it works. This is actually a good practice to go over with a therapist or counselor with.

Remember, self forgiveness isn’t about excusing harmful actions. It’s about acknowledging our mistakes, learning from them, and letting go of the self imposed weight of judgment.

Only by forgiving ourselves can we move forward. Forgiving yourself, not because you’re perfect, but because you are human. Self forgiveness is not about erasing mistakes either. It’s embracing the lessons they bring.

Okay, so let’s switch back to forgiving others for a minute.

Are you ready to let go of that grudge? To finally set down that anger that has held you, locked in your feelings? How cools is that that we get to do this. That we get to be free of that crap?

Here are some tools to help you in your path of forgiveness. If you’re ready to let go of that grudge, well then, these tools can help you.

Here’s a hint: while reading or listening to these words does wonders in filling you mind up with great ideas, there is more to the process of forgiveness, if you really want it to stick.

It’s doing the work.

Writing! We already mentioned the incredible benefits of keeping a journal, but here’s an exercise for you.

Write a letter to the person you’re forgiving. Even if it’s yourself, and even if you never send it. Describe the hurt that you feel. Describe your current feelings. And then let them know about your decision of letting go. This process allows you to externalize emotions and gain clarity.

And we also talked about meditation. Let’s dive a bit deeper into this.
Guided forgiveness centered meditative practices reduce anger and increase empathy. For example, loving kindness meditation involves wishing the very best for everyone involved, even those who have hurt you.

Something you can do is also identifying your feelings. Practice empathy by considering the other person’s perspective, and set boundaries to protect yourself from future harm. Remember that “Insane” information we shared a bit ago.
In what ways was this person not whole? It’s not making excuses for them. It’s simply bringing in some empathy, which helps YOU.

Empathy is the bridge that connects pain to understanding. So how do we practice forgiveness, including self forgiveness? Well, forgiveness says you are giving up all hope for a better past. This mindset applies to forgiving others and accepting our own actions.

Robert Enrich’s process model of forgiveness offers a roadmap that helps guide people through a few steps that lead to forgiveness.

First, acknowledge the pain. Whether it’s forgiving someone else or yourself, it starts with recognizing the hurt. Second, make the decision to forgive. This doesn’t mean condoning the actions. It means choosing peace over anger. And third, work through self emotional pain.

We then use the tools we have been presented… journaling, therapy, meditation, and finally arrive at the outcome of freedom and renewed purpose.

When it comes to self forgiveness, the steps are similar. Begin by practicing self compassion. Recognize your shared humanity and acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes. Focusing on growth and the lessons learned rather than dwelling on the mistakes.

IF you, like me, enjoy things laid out step by step, here’s an amazing step by step process that can be a guide for you on your journey to forgiveness. There are many fantastic resources for forgiveness online.

I found this one. It’s from Mary Hayes Greco, and it’s called;

The Eight Step Process for Forgiveness:
Step 1. Use your will. Declare your intention through the power of your will to begin the process of forgiveness.
Step 2. Express your emotional pain. You are given complete freedom to express your honest emotions without judgments or fear.
Step 3. Release expectations from your mind. Identify and let go of the expectations you had surrounding the person or situation that you are currently forgiving.
Step 4. Restore your boundaries. Firmly separate yourself from the harmful actions and attitudes of the other persons in the situation.
Step 5. Is about being open up to having your needs met in a different way from what you anticipated.
Expectations have been released, expectations have been let go, and you no longer demand anything from the person or situation that you are forgiving.
Step 6. Allow your self to receive healing energy from Spirit. Reach out to a higher power and bring in unconditional love and light to your being.

For some this is a really big step, as they are not sure where they feel in regard to High-Powered energies. Just be open to it. Think about how there really is so much more going on in the universe than we will ever understand, and healing energy from the spiritual realm just maybe one of them!

Who knows, right? Once you are there in that mindset, Pretend that you are allowing yourself to receive healing energy from spirit.

Let us know what happens next! (Smile)
Step 7. Release unconditional love to the other person or situation. Just let it go for a moment… release yourself from the strap that is holding you to whatever is going on there.
Step 8. See the good in the person or the situation. Now that you are free from the past pain and grievances, recognize that good can be taken from this person or situation.

Remember, forgiveness is personal. So please, dig deeper.

Now we can take a look at the roles of boundaries in forgiveness.

Boundaries versus excusing behavior.
Can you forgive and say enough is enough? Absolutely. It’s important to not confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. We can’t forgive someone and not want to ever engage with them again.

Forgiveness does not mean wiping the slate clean. It only means that we are no longer letting anything about a person, place, or thing keep us locked up in emotional knots. Setting up boundaries is essential to preventing future harm and maintaining emotional health. Boundaries can include limiting contact, redefining the relationship, or cutting ties altogether.

Therapist Susan Johnson shares that “Healthy boundaries prevent future hurt while honoring our emotional growth. They allow you to forgive without enabling toxic behavior.”

Scott here, on a personal level, several times in my life I have sworn off somebody for very valid reasons, and after some time and forgiveness work on my end, I eventually will let them back into my bubble. And then, you guessed it, I find myself in a whole new pattern of anger and resentment, which sucks.

So, it has taken a while, but I finally found that forgiving a toxic friend while choosing not to continue the relationship shows that forgiveness and self protection can coexist. It’s a way of saying, I release this pain, and I’m going to continue to protect myself moving forward.

It’s okay! In fact, it’s what should be done sometimes.

And then, there are these things called amends. These are little, or BIG acts, this entirely depends on the situation, that fill the holes that we sometimes create. Maybe it’s a financial debt or something was broken. There are times when the actual thing needs to be replaced before reconciliation is possible.

Sometimes the reconciliation is not possible at all. But in order to forgive ourselves, we need to make these amends. All situations are different. Just as all people are unique and come with their own quirks and mannerisms, everything really is relative, scaled, and we have different needs. Forgiveness is no different. Knowing that we want to make these amends goes a long way, and we will, if the time is ever right.

Okay, now what do we do when forgiveness feels impossible? There are times when forgiveness feels like an unreachable goal, and that’s okay. Maybe we feel that the thing that was done was too great of a violation for forgiveness to exist. This is understandable and acceptable, and it’s true. And it will remain true until it isn’t.

Time does an interesting thing to our hearts and our minds. Our values tend to change. Understanding comes or we know things that we didn’t know before. So as long as we never say never, the door to forgiveness remains open, even if ever so slightly. Remember, forgiveness is not a one time action, but an ongoing journey.

Let’s go back to that Lewis B. Smead’s quote, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and then discovering that the prisoner was you!”. Let’s let ourselves free by forgiving others, and perhaps most importantly, forgiving ourselves.

My name is Scott Love, and this is Portals Podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today.
This has been a transcript of the Portals Podcast Episode “Forgiveness” which can be found on the Portals Podcast Channel.

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Alright, now let’s get inspired!